In a Prone Position

Tonight I have bus lag and post traumatic stress syndrome. I will blog soon!

Journey into Darkness

I've always known I'm going to hell. My tombstone will read: "Here lies Tarquin Churchwell, our blogger who art in Hades." Yep, I know where I'm going, but I always thought it would be years before I got there.

The ride to Portsmouth made me think that I was going to the Final Destination last night!

This is what happened:

There was hardly anybody on the bus, as it bounced through the countryside. Only a few passengers, several chickens and a sickly goat. I pressed my nose against the oily window. Way out there I could see a pumpkin now and then, just flickering orange light on some lonely porch.

It wasn't even warm on the bus. A man wearing camouflage was snoring at the other end of the cabin, his coat rolled up for a pillow. His assault rifle was on the floor. A few seats away, a girl with spikey orange hair jerked to the beat of her ipod. She saw me watching her, reflected in the window, and smiled at my reflection. But before I could make my move, the sick goat fell on top of her, killing her instantly. I spat a chicken feather and sighed. The man beside me was shooting heroin. He didn't care what I was going through.

I tried to sleep, but the driver, a very old man, probably eighty-six, drove down the highway like a maniac. He had the scary habit, whenever the bus veered into the next lane, of dropping to the floor and turning the wheel, then bobbing up to see where he was. Crossing the New Hampshire state line, he hopped four lanes of traffic, swerved to avoid a flying piece of granite, and dropped to the floor. He hit the brakes in the bus station, hurled my bag at Lylah (but missed her) and slammed the cargo lid so hard, the whole bus jumped on its wheels. The asshole came within three inches of running over my toes.

I fell into the waiting arms of my sister.

Swing the Greyhound! Swing it!

Later, fans!
Administrator's note: "Bye Bye Blackbird" is no longer playing.

Up Too Late and Won't Rap About It

Can't get sleepy. Most nights my drugs knock me out like sledgehammers, but tonight is different. This is the night before I leave for New Hampshire! In just a few hours, I'll be bouncing on a bus seat with the springs poking through, headed for the clean fresh air of Portsmouth.

Instead of counting sheep, I'll count all my blogs.

Hahaha

I found this poster in my closet today.

Soot-blackened Bus

Fans have been asking if I will blog in New Hampshire. Do bats go barefoot? When I hit the road this weekend, I'll be toting a laptop, six replacement batteries, a wi-fi card and a dozen cell phones that I can use to connect to the Internet via a nine-foot data cable. With a set-up like this, I can even blog on the bus!

Laughing at Karma

"Tarquin Churchwell is a people eater!" How many times have you read those words on message boards, forums and blogs? Too many to count!

Here are a few people that I chewed up this year:

Administrator's note: the theme from "Psycho" is no longer playing.

Cool

Twat? I Cunt Hear you!

The dummy working in the cafeteria got everything wrong last night. I asked for sugar-free cherry jello, but she gave me raspberry. Geesh.

Can't Top That

Last Halloween me and The Untouchable went to this
haunted house.

Britney, I am here for you

Britney, as I said in one of my other blogs today, trust me on this. I have a bad rep, and you have a bad rep. I am a feeble minded hater. You have stacks of DUIs and like getting photographed in cars without your underpants. My blogger nickname is The Great PERVini. Celebs like us understand these things! It's part of being Famous.

A Quickie

My Tarot cards say I'm an asshole.

Juice Wins Again

Last month when OJ Simpson got arrested in Las Vegas, there were hundreds of pictures of him wearing a $25,000 Rolex watch. See it here. The Goldmans got a court order to have the watch turned over to them because they never collected anything on their phony lawsuit against OJ. But, guess what? The Juice sent someone out and got a fake Chinese watch to give the Goldmans. He's got no plans to pay them anything, so why would he give them his Rolex? OJ is somewhere laughing at the Goldmans.

Administrator's note: the theme from "Halloween" is no longer playing.

Boo!

Blast Off to Pancakes

Update before pancakes: I decided not to get a job after all. Why start something at the age of 44?

News that Shook a Nation

Last night I announced that I am going to work!!!

Caesar's Naked Ass

If you don't like man nudity, don't click on the link below. Here's Caesar's email to me:

From: "Caesar" ceasarl***@hotmail.com Add to Address Book
To: "Tarquin Churchwell" tarquinchurchwell@msn.com
Subject: I'm a hottie
Date: Wed, 26 September 2007 15:18:58 -0600

Tarquin,

Hey, how're they hanging? I miss our old times together at Rikers Island. I might be going back in, due to an accident I had with a borrowed vehicle. Me and Chris, that's my wife, are hiding out in the Ozarks. Long story. Hey, check out my new tattoo! Wedding present for Chris, had it done the day we got married. She was rocked to her foundations.

You still doing magic? Do you ever hear from Drinkwater?

Caesar
(not my real name, but you can "guess who" from the picture)

If you want to see his naked ass, click here.

Haunted

Dumb Lies and Halloween

Today I read a dumb story about the history of Halloween. Strictly dryer lint, but I'm pasting it here for all the sad, dumb Christians who want to believe crap.

A Brief History of Halloween
"Halloween has a long history, which, like many holidays, is at least partly shrouded in mystery. The word itself, "Halloween," indisputably came from the Catholic Church. The name is a short, though corrupted form of All Hallows Eve.

November 1, "All Hollows Day" (or "All Saints Day"), is a Catholic day of observance in honor of saints. But, in the 5th century BC, in Celtic Ireland, summer officially ended on October 31. Like other church holidays, other less "holy" celebrations were merged, in this case a Celtic holiday representing the last day of summer. That holiday featured people dressing up in ghoulish costumes to frighten away spirits of the dead. As Christian influence grew, the influence of "All Souls Day" became more prominent, and the practice of begging for food was incorporated. Costumes became more ritualized as well.

Today, Halloween is celebrated by both children and adults, with children canvassing their neighborhoods looking for candy treats. In terms of candy "tonnage," Halloween is one of the biggest holidays, as people distribute candy to dozens or even hundreds of costumed children. Like Christmas, Halloween has been commericalized to a point that many people no longer know it as a day of religious observance."

When my left hand doesn't know what my right hand is doing...

Everybody knows I have been writing blogs bloated with lies, hate and perversion for a whole year. Happy Anniversary to me!

I think I started a new hate site today. I have many hate sites, and sometimes I forget a few. My left hand don't always know what my right hand is doing.

P-p-p-put It on Vibrate

I was standing in line at CVS, trying to buy Halloween stuff, and one of my cell phones started to ring. An asshole behind me said, "If you're not going to answer that phone, will you put it on vibrate?" Before I could tell her to shut up, the asshole in front of me said, "Why do people carry cell phones around with them? All they do is have long and loud conversations about the mold growing out of their shorts." Hearing that, the asshole behind the counter laughed. I reported all of them to the manager.

More Champagne than Beer

When rent day comes around each month, I buy something. Usually, I buy cameras and lenses, cell phones, software, and more hard drives for my computers. I have expensive shit!

Fuck the rent.

Needs Visine

Fun Facts

Today I received a warlock newsletter that had a list of ancient superstitions you should pay attention to this month:

If 3 people are photographed together, the one in the middle will die first.

If 13 people sit down at a table to eat, one of them will die before the year is over.

Dropping an umbrella on the floor means there will be a murder in the house.

A yawn is a sign that danger is near. Cover your mouth when you yawn, or your spirit will fly out of your body with the yawn.

To dream of a lizard is a sign that you have a secret enemy.

A bed changed on Friday will give you bad dreams.

It is bad luck to cut your toenails on Saturday.

To drop a comb while you are combing your hair is a sure sign of coming disappointment.

It's bad luck to pick up a coin, if it's tail side up.

If your left ear itches, someone is plotting to kill you. If your right ear itches, you'll be okay.

Pity Me

I am a miserable Catholic. I am not a Jew. Does the name "CHURCH-well" sound Jewish to anybody? That's what I thought.

I like saying that I'm a Jew, cause Jews have been persecuted for centuries, and I revel in feelings of persecution. Comparing my life to a lion's dinner is cool.

Paris Halloween

Paris Hilton almost had a scary encounter this weekend. She went to the same Halloween party as her new boyfriend and his ex, Paris's arch enemy Shanna Moaker. The party was at the Playboy Mansion. No punches or bitch slaps were thrown, even though the last time Paris and Shanna were in the same room, both ended up filing assault charges. This is what happens when a nobody tries to suck publicity off somebody who is famous. Paris, it happens to me all the time.

Administrator's note: The "Monster Mash" is no longer playing.

Insight?

I don't have any.

Can't Touch That

I have one fan and she's a witch. Last night I told her to fly around the Web and look for any hate that people were writing about me.

"Okay, Tarquin," she cackled and jumped on her broom.

There was a full moon, but the only hate she could find were the 960 hater blogs that belong to me. Bummer.

Adminstrator's note: "The Thing" is no longer playing.

Turn Left at Busy Street

Today I was extremely busy. I shopped for holiday decorations, bought another camera, wrote on my blogs and emailed some dum dums.

Countdown to Halloween!

This is my annual Halloween blog. For all my fans who can't get enough of me, I still have several hate sites.