Pity Me

I am a miserable Catholic. I am not a Jew. Does the name "CHURCH-well" sound Jewish to anybody? That's what I thought.

I like saying that I'm a Jew, cause Jews have been persecuted for centuries, and I revel in feelings of persecution. Comparing my life to a lion's dinner is cool.

Paris Halloween

Paris Hilton almost had a scary encounter this weekend. She went to the same Halloween party as her new boyfriend and his ex, Paris's arch enemy Shanna Moaker. The party was at the Playboy Mansion. No punches or bitch slaps were thrown, even though the last time Paris and Shanna were in the same room, both ended up filing assault charges. This is what happens when a nobody tries to suck publicity off somebody who is famous. Paris, it happens to me all the time.

Administrator's note: The "Monster Mash" is no longer playing.

Insight?

I don't have any.

Can't Touch That

I have one fan and she's a witch. Last night I told her to fly around the Web and look for any hate that people were writing about me.

"Okay, Tarquin," she cackled and jumped on her broom.

There was a full moon, but the only hate she could find were the 960 hater blogs that belong to me. Bummer.

Adminstrator's note: "The Thing" is no longer playing.

Turn Left at Busy Street

Today I was extremely busy. I shopped for holiday decorations, bought another camera, wrote on my blogs and emailed some dum dums.

Countdown to Halloween!

This is my annual Halloween blog. For all my fans who can't get enough of me, I still have several hate sites.