My Shorts Are On Fire, Cause I'm A Liar!

Like I always prove on my other blogs, I don't tell the truth about myself, so how can I tell it about other people?

Thomas Churchwell: I Am The King Of Poop

I have a scatalogical fixation. Ever since I started blogging, I've been writing about poop.

Now that I am forty-five-years-old, I should STOP. Posting scatological stories about the Pope, like I did on my hate blog today, could land me in big trouble!

Tarquin Churchwell "Comes Clean" About Two Women

Today I wrote more lies about women on my hater blog. Here's the truth. Scarlett has NEVER written "child porno stories." Susan does NOT live in the "slums." Scarlett is NOT an "online prostitute", whatever that means, and she's definitely NOT an "old hag."

I need HELP!

The Shadow of Her Voice

(Revised) I threatened Scarlett on my hater blog today. Hooray for me, I'm a law breaker.

My threat was about this blog. I like to say that someone else is writing it, but why do I blame Scarlett? She NEVER claimed to be the author.

As for that recording of Scarlett's voice, I've been playing her "Get Lost, Tarquin" phone message on the Internet for more than a year...

Can I say creepy exploiter of women?

On a somewhat related topic, here is an email that I sent to another woman on my hater list. The style of this note is clearly my own. Nothing has been changed.

From: Tarquin Churchwell
Sent: Saturday, December 29, 2007 3:56 PM
To: Suzi
Tell Scarlett I miss her voice. Please tell her to call me at 12 am tonight. She was the best thing I ever had.

That email shows how confused I am, fans. Anyways, Scarlett did not call, email, or blog about my note. If she had called me, I would have recorded her voice AGAIN!!!

Calling Nurse Ratched

It's official, today I flew over the cuckoo's nest.

Churchwell's Phone Sex Album

Yesterday I wrote about phone sex AGAIN and said AGAIN that I never had it.

HaHaHaHaHaHa!

Here are some of my bored phone sex partners. As you can see, I caught 'em with my web camera.

To see my phone bill, go here.

Tarquin Churchwell Announces!

New blog!
http://tarquinchurchwell-droppings.blogspot.com/

Major Funding for this Broadcast

This morning I, Tarquin Churchwell, wrote a post on my hater blog titled "How To Change Your IP To Someone Else's."

Fans, you can always count on me to share my crime tips.

Miss Understandings

I am going to die. Yep, someday I will kick the bucket into hell, and who knows if they have blogs down there?

This is what passes for insight and before it flies off into space, here's a special song that I picked out to play today. I want to dedicate it to my ex-wife, Debbie, and to what's her name, the mother of my two illegitimate sons, and to the women on the Internet - Susan, Kim, Tiffany and Scarlett - I have harmed you with my lies - and to my ex-girlfriends and to the girls I banged, when I was bored. You know who you are!

To all of you, I am sorry.



Gotcha! Hahahahahahahahaha!!!

Administrator's note: "A Lover's Concerto" is no longer playing.

The Spawn of the Dark One

Today I created...

Blogopoly, the game that brings all the thrills of blogging right into your living room! Hosted by me, Tarquin Churchwell, Blogopoly features exciting graphics, real-time scoring and a battery-powered joy stick (not shown).

The Object of Blogopoly is to become the most satisfied player through the creation of hate-free blogs. In the Bonus Round, you can try to put me in jail!

Basic Instructions:
>Remove game box from the brown paper wrapper.

>Program the battery-powered joy stick.

>Choose the number of players -- 1 to 13 can play.

>Select a game piece to move around the board. You might choose the sledgehammer, sword, delete button, little red hatchet or stiletto shoe.

At the end of the game, players click on my hate blogs with their battery-powered joy sticks, a challenging finish that determines whether I will go to jail forever, or live among maggots under a rock.

Includes:
1 game board with game pieces.
1battery-powered joy stick.

Blogopoly can be yours for just $69.95 plus shipping. For shipping options, go to this page.

Features and accessories may vary. Batteries sold separately.

Beautiful

Yesterday, I posted this: "Everyone is beautiful." When fans read it, they emailed me in disbelief. How could I write that everyone is beautiful, they asked pitifully, since I'm always posting hate? Hate is my pasttime, my trademark and oldest habit.

After a year of blogging, it's getting harder to fool the fans...

I'll keep trying!

Get Up Offa That Thing

I don't know how I do it! Since I stepped off the Greyhound bus on Sunday, I've been extremely busy. I left new eye-popping comments on blogs, created some artwork, posted more libel on my hater blogs, and still found time to upload videos from New Hampshire. Whew!

Never Ends Like Pulling Taffy

I just got home and already I'm posting big WADS of hate. And if that don't surprise you, I posted about me emailing a "company" which, for a price, said they will "get rid of" THIS blog.

I miss prison a lot.

Administrator's note: "Jailhouse Rock" is no longer playing.

"All Aboard!"

Amazing Sunrise

Watching TV this morning, I captured this shot with my video camera.


Administrator's note: "My Kind of Town" is no longer playing.

Put It on Your Blog

"Let's get serious," my therapist said, as he handed me a poem by Edgar Allan Poe. "Take this home with you and read it," he begged. "Put it on your blog..."

Alone
From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I loved, I loved alone.
Then--in my childhood, in the dawn
Of a most stormy life--was drawn
From every depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still:
From the torrent, or the fountain,
From the red cliff of the mountain,
From the sun that round me rolled
In its autumn tint of gold,
From the lightning in the sky
As it passed me flying by,
From the thunder and the storm,
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view.

In a Prone Position

Tonight I have bus lag and post traumatic stress syndrome. I will blog soon!

Journey into Darkness

I've always known I'm going to hell. My tombstone will read: "Here lies Tarquin Churchwell, our blogger who art in Hades." Yep, I know where I'm going, but I always thought it would be years before I got there.

The ride to Portsmouth made me think that I was going to the Final Destination last night!

This is what happened:

There was hardly anybody on the bus, as it bounced through the countryside. Only a few passengers, several chickens and a sickly goat. I pressed my nose against the oily window. Way out there I could see a pumpkin now and then, just flickering orange light on some lonely porch.

It wasn't even warm on the bus. A man wearing camouflage was snoring at the other end of the cabin, his coat rolled up for a pillow. His assault rifle was on the floor. A few seats away, a girl with spikey orange hair jerked to the beat of her ipod. She saw me watching her, reflected in the window, and smiled at my reflection. But before I could make my move, the sick goat fell on top of her, killing her instantly. I spat a chicken feather and sighed. The man beside me was shooting heroin. He didn't care what I was going through.

I tried to sleep, but the driver, a very old man, probably eighty-six, drove down the highway like a maniac. He had the scary habit, whenever the bus veered into the next lane, of dropping to the floor and turning the wheel, then bobbing up to see where he was. Crossing the New Hampshire state line, he hopped four lanes of traffic, swerved to avoid a flying piece of granite, and dropped to the floor. He hit the brakes in the bus station, hurled my bag at Lylah (but missed her) and slammed the cargo lid so hard, the whole bus jumped on its wheels. The asshole came within three inches of running over my toes.

I fell into the waiting arms of my sister.

Swing the Greyhound! Swing it!

Later, fans!
Administrator's note: "Bye Bye Blackbird" is no longer playing.

Up Too Late and Won't Rap About It

Can't get sleepy. Most nights my drugs knock me out like sledgehammers, but tonight is different. This is the night before I leave for New Hampshire! In just a few hours, I'll be bouncing on a bus seat with the springs poking through, headed for the clean fresh air of Portsmouth.

Instead of counting sheep, I'll count all my blogs.

Hahaha

I found this poster in my closet today.

Soot-blackened Bus

Fans have been asking if I will blog in New Hampshire. Do bats go barefoot? When I hit the road this weekend, I'll be toting a laptop, six replacement batteries, a wi-fi card and a dozen cell phones that I can use to connect to the Internet via a nine-foot data cable. With a set-up like this, I can even blog on the bus!

Laughing at Karma

"Tarquin Churchwell is a people eater!" How many times have you read those words on message boards, forums and blogs? Too many to count!

Here are a few people that I chewed up this year:

Administrator's note: the theme from "Psycho" is no longer playing.

Cool

Twat? I Cunt Hear you!

The dummy working in the cafeteria got everything wrong last night. I asked for sugar-free cherry jello, but she gave me raspberry. Geesh.

Can't Top That

Last Halloween me and The Untouchable went to this
haunted house.

Britney, I am here for you

Britney, as I said in one of my other blogs today, trust me on this. I have a bad rep, and you have a bad rep. I am a feeble minded hater. You have stacks of DUIs and like getting photographed in cars without your underpants. My blogger nickname is The Great PERVini. Celebs like us understand these things! It's part of being Famous.

A Quickie

My Tarot cards say I'm an asshole.

Juice Wins Again

Last month when OJ Simpson got arrested in Las Vegas, there were hundreds of pictures of him wearing a $25,000 Rolex watch. See it here. The Goldmans got a court order to have the watch turned over to them because they never collected anything on their phony lawsuit against OJ. But, guess what? The Juice sent someone out and got a fake Chinese watch to give the Goldmans. He's got no plans to pay them anything, so why would he give them his Rolex? OJ is somewhere laughing at the Goldmans.

Administrator's note: the theme from "Halloween" is no longer playing.

Boo!

Blast Off to Pancakes

Update before pancakes: I decided not to get a job after all. Why start something at the age of 44?

News that Shook a Nation

Last night I announced that I am going to work!!!

Caesar's Naked Ass

If you don't like man nudity, don't click on the link below. Here's Caesar's email to me:

From: "Caesar" ceasarl***@hotmail.com Add to Address Book
To: "Tarquin Churchwell" tarquinchurchwell@msn.com
Subject: I'm a hottie
Date: Wed, 26 September 2007 15:18:58 -0600

Tarquin,

Hey, how're they hanging? I miss our old times together at Rikers Island. I might be going back in, due to an accident I had with a borrowed vehicle. Me and Chris, that's my wife, are hiding out in the Ozarks. Long story. Hey, check out my new tattoo! Wedding present for Chris, had it done the day we got married. She was rocked to her foundations.

You still doing magic? Do you ever hear from Drinkwater?

Caesar
(not my real name, but you can "guess who" from the picture)

If you want to see his naked ass, click here.

Haunted